Breathe Me
by CastleWriter16
Summary: "Death is final. Of course there's no going back. There's no hope for recovery either. Look at you. Your mother's death destroyed you." Alexis glared at her. "It destroyed us all." This was not how the story was supposed to end.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: An enormous thank you to Liv, who is totally awesome and read several drafts of this and was a great help in the final stages of writing. Also thank you Gorane and Hope for being awesome cheerleaders.**

* * *

"Alexis, look at me." Kate's voice echoed loudly in the otherwise silent room. Alexis cautiously lifted her eyes from the floor. "Don't do this. Let me help you." Light bounced off of the glock that Alexis had her fingers wrapped around. Her entire body was visibly shaking, her cheeks far past tear-stained.

"I'm beyond help," she whispered, clicking off the safety.

"Alexis," Kate pleaded, taking another step forward, "give me the gun."

"They were all I had, Kate!"

Kate took a deep breath and pushed back the burn of tears behind her eyes. "I know, sweetheart. Believe me, I know. But they wouldn't want this. You know that."

"He shot them in front of me. I watched them bleed out and I couldn't - I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save them. I couldn't save them," she sobbed. Alexis sucked in a deep breath and tightened her grip on the glock.

"It's not your fault, Alexis. None of this was your fault," Kate insisted, swallowing past the lump in her throat. If anything, this was her fault, her doing. A punishment of sorts. But the Dragon's act of anger had resulted in far more than Kate losing the love of her life. The damage was irreparable.

And if Alexis didn't put that gun down, she was going to be responsible for a third death. She was supposed to protect Alexis, not watch her throw her life away. She'd made a promise to Castle, a promise that his baby girl would never have to face the evils of the world alone, that she'd always have someone to lean on and cry with and talk to and trust. This was not how the story was supposed to end.

"Lex," she murmured softly, "Once you pull that trigger, there is no going back."

"Death is final. Of course there's no going back. There's no hope for recovery either. Look at you. Your mother's death destroyed you." Alexis glared at her. "It destroyed us all."

"Alexis-"

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be. They weren't - He was supposed to watch me grow up. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Grams was supposed to be a great-grandmother someday. They were supposed to live full, long, _happy_ lives." Alexis was near hysterics. "They weren't supposed to leave me! I wasn't supposed to end up alone."

"You will never be alone. The memory of them, the love that all of you had for each other - that family bond is never going to go away. That will never leave you. You will always have that."

Alexis pressed the gun into her other hand, as if testing its weight. "You and my dad tossed that word around all the time. _Always _this and _always_ that. As if that would save anyone from a bullet. It certainly didn't save you. Always isn't worth jack."

"Maybe. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never stop loving your father."

"How can you possibly hold on to that? He's dead. He can't love you back. He can't hold you, or kiss you goodnight, or you bring coffee or make you pancakes in the morning after you wrap up a rough case. He's not here."

Kate swiped her thumbs under eyes and placed a trembling hand on the edge of Castle's desk, steeled herself. _Promise me, Kate_. _Promise me you'll keep her safe._

"How can you say that? He's everywhere. Are you telling me that you can't feel him right now? I feel him every time you look at me. I see him in your eyes."

Alexis seemed surprised by her words. "Really?"

Kate nodded and took a tentative step towards Alexis. She spooked and put the gun against her temple. "I'm not fooling around, Kate."

"I never doubted that. I know how much it hurts. It destroyed me, remember? But I got through it. I pulled myself out of that rut. You are so much stronger than this, Alexis. You have so much to offer the world. Don't throw it all away."

"I can't live in a world where I have no one."

"You have me. I'm broken. I'm not perfect. But I'm here. You have me, Alexis."

"You weren't there when he needed you. You weren't there when I needed you."

* * *

"_Your girlfriend thinks I'm screwing around, Mr. Castle. Do you think I'm screwing around?"_

_Her father shook his head. "No, of course not." He glanced worriedly in her direction and Alexis swore she see could tears in his eyes even in the dim lighting._

_The man in the corner of the room chuckled and pulled out his phone. He must have put it on speaker because the dial tone was unusually loud._

"_Beckett." Kate's tone was too shaky for Alexis' liking._

"_Kate! Kate," her father rasped. _

"_Oh my God. Castle?"_

_The tall silhouette stepped out of the shadows and she could finally see him clearly. He had a long scar than ran across his right cheekbone and his eyes looked haunted. "Hello, Detective Beckett," he purred, walking towards her still unconscious grandmother. His foot connected with her side and she jerked to life._

_Alexis watched helplessly as he yanked her up by the arm and threw her in the direction of her father, hitting her head rather hard on the way down. _

"_Let them go, you son of a-"_

"_Now, is that anyway to talk to the person that's holding the lives of your precious little family in their hands?" He reached for his hip and no, no, no. This could not be happening._

"_It's me you want, not them. You can have me."_

_The room went silent and all that could be heard was the sound of the safety being clicked off. "I'm sure that by now you've kept me on the phone long enough to trace the call. Your IT team is probably moments away from a location; am I right?"_

_Alexis could not seem to focus her eyes on anything other than the large piece of metal being pointed directly at her father._

"_I love you, Kate."_

"_Rick-"_

Bang.

"_Daddy!" she screamed, tugging once again on her restraints. "Daddy!" _

_She watched in slow motion as the trigger was pulled a second time. _

_Her world shattered._

"_Come and find me, Detective. Come and find them."_

_He disappeared._

* * *

_The building was crawling with cops and FBI in an instant. Through blurred vision, she found Kate and the rest of the team from the 12__th__. Kate went straight for her father, reverently kissing his forehead, her shoulders shaking. _

_She thought for a moment that she'd be forgotten about, but Ryan found her and silently untied her. She looked down to find that her skin was raw where the rope had dug in. "Are you okay?" he asked, but they both knew that there was no answer to that question. _

_Ryan steered her towards the door, but she shook her head. "I need to say goodbye." She'd expected to have to put up a fight, but Ryan nodded and waved off the paramedics in standing in the doorway._

_She sucked in a shaky breath and swiped under her eyes futilely. Kate did not look up at her as she sank to the ground. _

_Alexis dragged her grandmother's limp and lifeless form closer, laying her head across her lap. She stroked her hair back out of her forehead, leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "I love you," she whispered brokenly._

_She gently moved her grandmother's head back down to the concrete and brushed her fingers over her eyes, straightened her arms, and left her to rest before turning back towards her father._

_Kate was hunched over his chest silently crying, the ends of her hair coated in droplets of his blood. Alexis barely made out the tremor of her own body as she reached for her father's hand and brought it to her cheek. "Daddy, I love you. I love you so much. I'm going to make you proud. I promise. I won't let you down." She kissed the back of his hand and folded his arm onto his chest; Kate repeated the ritual with his other arm and finally met her eyes._

_Neither of them said anything._

_Kate ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead. Alexis followed suit and let her forehead rest against his for a moment. "I'm so sorry, Daddy."_

_Moments of nothingness passed. The room was too quiet; her breathing was too loud. She vaguely registered Kate being pulled up by Mr. Beckett. And soon after Lanie was pulling her away, too, murmuring _shhh_ and a slew of other words that made no sense._

_Paramedics cleaned off her arms and began to guide her through washing her hands, her face, getting rid of the blood that seemed to be everywhere._

_Kate stayed with her that night, but did not offer any reassurance, any words of comfort._

_Her world was consumed by darkness._

* * *

There was nothing left - no way out. She felt helpless, drowning in a pit of despair that wrapped around her like a noose.

She couldn't breathe.

This wasn't a rut, wasn't a low point. It was a bottomless pit that had swallowed her whole.

"What about the promise you made your father?" Kate demanded suddenly. "Was that just a stupid, meaningless, in the moment thing?"

Alexis opened her eyes and was astonished to find that not only was Kate crying, but her eyes looked more grief-stricken than they had in the warehouse.

"Were you just saying what you thought you were supposed to? Were you just playing your dutiful daughter card?" Kate sounded downright angry with her.

_Daddy, I love you. I love you so much. I'm going to make you proud. I promise. I won't let you down._

"I didn't-"

"Make him proud, Alexis. You can do this. You can push past this and go on to do wonderful things with your life. You can make him proud."

"But what if I've already let him down, Kate? What if there was never-"

Kate shook her head. "He was so proud of you, sweetheart, so very, very proud. Don't ever stop believing that."

"I don't know how to do this without them. I don't know how to keep my head above water. I don't remember what it feels like to smile. I don't know how to be happy. I want to stop feeling like this, Kate. I want to stop feeling numb and alone and miserable beyond belief. I want to wake up and find out that this was all a twisted, sick, horrible nightmare. I want them back, but I know that they're gone. I _know_ that. And I can't - Why make myself suffer longer? Why not just end it?"

She was tired of fighting.

"Ending it is not going to solve anything. Give me the gun. We can do this together."

She let the gun clatter to the floor, but her heart was not any less heavy.

The battle was only just beginning.

* * *

**:)CastleWriter16**


	2. Chapter 2

_2 Weeks Earlier_

Her head swam in a sea of fog and she went into auto pilot. Lanie glanced at her worriedly from across the room; Esposito looked at her like she was a fragile piece of glass that could not be touched. Ryan and Jenny were huddled together in a corner trying unsuccessfully to calm down their wailing baby girl.

Truthfully, she was glad for Hannah's incessant cries. It kept her from slipping back into a state of numbness, continually pulled her back to reality.

Alexis stood stoically beside her; they took turns introducing people to each other: actors from Martha's school, co-workers from the 12th. She kept a hand placed at the small of Alexis' back, trying to anchor them both.

The minutes ticked by agonizingly slowly and all the while Kate felt grief welling up inside of her waiting to burst. She managed to keep herself mostly composed, tearing up here and there and then reeling herself back in. Alexis followed her lead.

Seven o'clock drew near, evidenced by the thinning of the viewing room. Meredith appeared in the doorway as the last of the crowd left, save for the boys, Lanie, and Jenny. Little Hannah had fallen asleep curled against Jenny's chest with her thumb in her mouth.

Kate felt Alexis tense and watched as she looked from Castle's motionless form and then to Martha's; she sank to the floor, curling into the corner between the caskets. Meredith rushed over to her and wrapped her arms around her in a strange show of motherly love. "Shhh," she murmured.

Tears pricked at her own eyes, burning, and she ducked her head and fled to the safety of the bathroom down the hall. She fell apart instantly, pent up emotion pouring out of her uncontrollably.

Her entire body shook as she sobbed and she felt so utterly helpless in that moment. Raw need and longing and despair washed over her in waves, weighing heavily on her shoulders, her chest. It seemed to clench around her heart and sink its teeth into her, leaving her breathless and alone.

She'd cried so much over the last few days that many times she had been certain there was not an ounce of liquid left in her body. But then she would look at Castle, arms peacefully resting at his sides, or at a struggling Alexis, barely keeping her own tears at bay, or at Martha, quiet and still and cold, and she'd feel the emotion bubble behind her eyes until were they burning and she could no longer contain it.

The door swung open and Kate was not surprised to see Lanie, who swiftly wrapped her in a hug. "I know, honey." She traced small circles over Kate's back until she was able to breathe normally, her cries brought down to hiccups and sniffles.

A knot was still tightly coiled in stomach. She felt nauseous. Lanie dampened a paper towel and swiped the mascara from under Kate's eyes. "The boys thought maybe we could all go grab something to eat," she offered quietly.

Kate shook her head. "I'm not hungry."

"I know. But you should eat. So should Alexis."

"I guess," she conceded, shrugging.

Lanie guided her out of the bathroom and back down the hallway, a gentle hand on her shoulder. Esposito was waiting for them in the lounge area diagonal to the viewing room. Lanie nudged her inside.

"Hey," she whispered, letting him lead her over to the couch.

She was still untouchable in a way that made her stiff, her back ramrod straight. Esposito settled a hand on her thigh. "You should eat."

Kate nodded and kept her eyes focused on the carpet, twisting her engagement ring absentmindedly. "Kate. Look at me." She felt tears brimming again already. "Kate."

She pushed up off the couch and crossed her arms over her chest, kept her head bowed. She croaked out a "How's Alexis?" and even she knew how broken her voice sounded.

"Meredith's with her," Lanie supplied, going along with her abrupt subject change. "I don't think she's planning on staying."

The knot in her stomach wound itself tighter. Her head shot up. "She's going to leave her? After everything that just happened, she's going to _leave her?_" Anger flared in her chest and spread through her like a wildfire. She'd grown protective of Alexis, especially since the wedding. The notion that Alexis' own mother would abandon her when she was needed most was sickening.

It must have been in her eyes, because Lanie was already putting and hand on her forearm and squeezing, whispering something like _Calm down. _

She paid no attention and dashed back to the viewing room. Alexis was curled up against the wall, arms draped around her legs. Meredith seemed to have coaxed her out of the corner, which was a start.

Meredith was behaving totally out of character, and it made Kate even more suspicious about her intentions. "He loved you both so much, Kate."

Meredith's words sliced right through her. Suddenly she was raw again, and she glanced frantically to Castle, unable to stop herself. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. It should have been her laying there; not him, not Martha. They shouldn't have been the ones that got hurt.

"Kate?"

She blinked and realized that Meredith was staring at her expectantly, hand propped on her hip, all of the caring and motherly façade gone in an instant.

"Sorry. What?"

"Can I trust you with Alexis?" Meredith held up her phone. "My director is threatening to fire me if I'm not back tomorrow."

Kate ignored her and crouched down next to Alexis. "I've been taking care of her for the last six years, Meredith. And where have you been all that time? Gallivanting around LA and Paris. Your concern is touching."

Alexis uncurled herself and rested her head on Kate's shoulder. Kate smoothed down her hair.

"Well," Meredith said, obviously feeling defensive, "Clearly it was a mistake to come at all."

"Maybe it was," Alexis drawled, loud enough for Meredith to hear. "You've never been there for me. I shouldn't have expected this time to be any different."

A drop of water landed silently on Kate's collarbone. Meredith huffed and left in a whirlwind of anger and embarrassment.

Kate pulled Alexis up from the floor and draped an arm around her shoulder. "Everyone's insisting that we go eat something."

Alexis nodded mutely and sat down next to Jenny, ran a finger around the swirl of hair at the back of Hannah's head.

"Do you want to hold her?" Jenny asked softly, squeezing Alexis' hand.

She nodded again, wordlessly, and Jenny gently nestled Hannah into Alexis' arms.

"Kate." She spun on her heel to find Esposito behind her, fingers laced loosely with Lanie's. "You did good."

But what would Castle really think about her kicking Meredith out? Would he be grateful that she stood up for Alexis or horrified that she'd shoved away the last of her family?

"Let's go back to my place," Ryan suggested, joining their circle. "We've got stuff to make pasta and there's plenty of room."

Esposito and Lanie voiced their agreement before Kate had a chance to say anything.

"You guys go ahead. I need a minute." She nodded towards Alexis. "Can you-"

"Yeah. Just promise me that you're coming."

"I'll be ten minutes behind you."

She waited for them to clear out. Alexis, still cradling Hannah, had given her something like a hug, whispering _I love you _before disappearing with Ryan and Jenny.

Lanie and Esposito trailed behind them and the door clicked shut with a sudden loneliness.

Kate immediately crossed to the other side of the room.

"Castle," she breathed. "Rick. I don't - I don't know how to do this without you." She traced the outline of his lips and his skin lacked the heat that he'd always seemed to provide her with.

Her chest heaved and she framed his face in her hands, swiping her thumbs across his temples. "I don't know how to do this," she whispered.

Her mind raced back to the night before he had gone missing. They'd gone to Remy's for dinner, curled up in their booth in the corner. Time hadn't seemed to exist. They'd talked about anything, everything. Nothing else had mattered.

He'd convinced her to sit on the same side of the booth as him so he could touch her. He'd splayed his fingers at her knee nearly the entire night, kissed her temple more times than she could count.

It had seemed routine, a habit, like they'd do it for the rest of their lives, like they had all the time in the world to love each other.

And when their waitress had come to tell them they had to close up, that they'd already stayed an hour past closing, he'd tugged her out of the booth by the hand, their fingers laced together.

He'd pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket and handed it to their waitress, whipping out his charm and apologizing for staying so late. _ Quite all right, Mr. Castle_, she'd said, smiling. _You and Mrs. Castle have a good night_.

She remembered insisting that they walk home that night; he'd wanted to call a cab. _Come on, Castle. It's gorgeous. It'll be just like the movies_.

And so they'd walked through the streets languidly, starlight guiding them home; it was well past midnight by the time they got in.

He'd pushed her up against the door (it really had become their thing), and murmured sweet nothings in her ear before carrying her to bed.

When she woke up the next morning, he was gone.

"Rick. I love you. God, I love you. And I know…" Her voice hitched. "Just take care of my mom. Tell her I love her. I'll see you tomorrow."

With one final kiss to his temple, she forced herself to leave for the evening, still bleary-eyed and panicky. She didn't know how to live without him.

* * *

**I am not sure if this is going to stay complete or not.**

**:)CastleWriter16**


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